Don’t Re-victimize the
victim
Good Morning to all my readers, I know I have been
missing in action lately. Between work and kids I hardly get time to write but
I need to put some time aside to write. I hoping everyone is doing well and keeping
warm for the holidays.
Today I want to discuss how victims get victimized over
and over again. I lost a very good friend of mine due to being victimized to
the point that she could not take it anymore so took her own life, leaving two
beautiful children behind. I had a dream about her last night and I felt as
though she wanted me to share her story to bring awareness to others. Rumors
and gossip might just be a form of entertainment to some people but it can
destroy another’s life. I will start her story by a couple quotes that touched
me…
“Men
are not always the enemy, but the fellow victims. The real enemy is women's
denigration of themselves.” ~ Betty Friedan
“We
are victims of evil customs. It is a crime against humanity that our women are
shut up within the four walls of the houses as prisoners. There is no sanction
anywhere for the deplorable condition in which our women have to live.” ~ Muhammad Ali Jinnah
“People
don’t die from suicide, they often die from sadness” ~ unknown
“Always
be careful of what you hear about a woman. Rumors either come from a man that
can’t have her or a woman who can’t compete with her.” ~ unknown
I was in my
late teen years and my friend was quite older than I was. Regardless of age, we
became great friends. She had just gotten married at the time and she was
excited to begin her new life with the man that she loved. The way her eyes lit up as she spoke of him
renewed my faith in love. Little did either of us know, things would change
within a few months? We had lost contact during this time. I was at a local
store when I saw her again. She seemed different…she avoided eye contact. It
felt as though the life had been drained out of her. I rushed over to her and
gave her the tightest hug I could and as we stood there, I felt her trembling
in my arms. When I finally let go to look at her, I was shocked. She had a
black eye and bruises on her neck. She began to get emotional as she looked
back at me. I could see the pain and suffering in her eyes.
I took her with
me to get coffee and as we sat at the table, she poured her heart out to me.
She told me how her dream had turned into a nightmare. Her husband had begun
doing drugs and he was having an affair on her. When she would question him, he
would get angry and beat her. He was extremely controlling…to the point where
he kept her isolated from everyone. After realizing what had become of her
life, I began trying to find ways to get her out of the toxic relationship that
was slowly killing her inside. After discussing all that had happened with her
family, we were able to discuss a divorce. Luckily, she did not have any
children to keep her tied to him, so we were able to get her divorced.
After leaving
him, she blossomed again. She became that fun, happy person she once was before
her marriage. We would constantly spend hours talking about the future and what
we wanted to do. We would laugh and cry together…we had become the close
friends we were back in my teenage years once more. After a year, her family
had begun to pressure her about marriage once more. They told her that people
were talking and she should get married again while she is still young. After
constant nagging, she had finally agreed to get married again.
Her parents
found the perfect guy. They were family friends and he was a really great
person. He stayed away from drinking and he never smoked. He was a very family
oriented man, or that’s how he was described. She agreed to marry this “perfect
man” to please her family, but he began to show his true colors after marriage.
He would constantly taunt her about being divorced or, as he put it, “a throw
away.” He said his marriage to her was a marriage of convenience. She spoke to
her parents about it but they just brushed it under the rug saying that she has
already been divorced once and divorcing another man will only cause more
gossip. As parents always say “what are people going to say. “ The emotional
abuse continued to get worse but she put up with it. She gave birth to a son
and a year later, she gave birth to a daughter. They were the apples of her
eyes. Even though the abuse from her husband was unbearable, she kept going for
the sake of her children. But with time, the emotional abuse became physical
abuse. He cracked her ribs and broke her nose but her parents kept saying, “it will
get better.”
She reached a
point where she finally stood up and refused to put up with his abuse any
longer. She was worried because his abuse began effecting their children, so
she left him. She called me to pick her up, and I did. I told him if he was to
come near her again, I would personally call the police on him and get him
deported. I stood with her as she went through the legal process. She was given
soul custody of her children and her ex-husband took off to India to find a new
wife to torture. My friend’s family dis-owned her for getting divorced twice
and the Indian community tabooed her.
She was judged by all and called names. She would go to the temple for
some peace but instead was looked at and talked about by other women. Women
would not talk to her and told their children not to play with her kids. So
now, not only was she effected but so were her innocent children.
She would
return home and cry to herself. She woke up every morning trying to find the
strength to make it through another day. She felt as though she was being
kicked while she was already down. She fell into depression. I would talk to
her on the phone as often as I could to try and cheer her up. I would pick up
her kids and take them to the park to give her a break and give them a few
hours of peace and happiness. She tried hard to fight back. One day she found
that she couldn’t fight anymore. Constantly being victimized took her to a
point of no return, so she gave up and took her own life as her children slept
soundly in the next room.
Can you imagine
what she must have gone through? Can you imagine being in her shoes? What was
her fault in all this? Why must we be so close minded that we forget that we
are also women? We have daughters, sister and mothers…what if this happened to
one of them? Why does a woman become another woman’s worst enemy? We all need
to stand together and bring awareness to this issue. It happened years ago but
it feels like just yesterday. It still happens to this day. I still go to the
temple and hear women talking about other women. It breaks my heart because
these women don’t even realize how badly their words victimize the other human
being.
If you have
nothing good to say about another, don’t say anything at all. My belief is that
gossip and spreading rumors is a sin, not only to spread but also to listen to.
Please bring awareness to this issue and support the ones in need. Stop judging
and love one another so that this world can be a better place for all.
Leaving you
with another quote….til next time. GOD bless J
